Анекдот на злобу дня.

[И г о р ь]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

На остановке останавливается троллейбус. Открываются двери и в троллейбус поднимается бабушка, а за ней - мужчина.
Мужчина:
- Извините, я доеду до центрального рынка?
Бабушка:
- Нет.
Мужчина с разочарованным видом выходит из троллейбуса. Двери закрываются, троллейбус трогается. Бабушка вслух добавляет:
- А вот я доеду!

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: «Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!»

[борода68]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Воскресенье. Будучи слегка с бодуна, нашел дома кулек различных сухофруктов. Дай, думаю, компот забацаю. Закинул содержимое в кастрюлю, сварил. Так как фрукты все равно никто есть не будет, решил все процедить. Поставил дуршлаг в раковину и слил жидкость. Долго стоял над раковиной в ступоре, много думал...)

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

А я думал анекдоты про блондинок только у нас в моде

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

«This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?»

The first blonde answers, «That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!»

The policeman says, «Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE.»

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, «This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?»

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, «Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!»

The policeman angrily responds, «What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?»

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, «This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?» He quickly adds, «…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.»

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, «Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses.»

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

«Well, that's an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.»

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. «Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?»

«That's easy.» the blonde replied. «He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.»

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),«Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?»

The upperclassman responded, «At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions.»

The Georgian then replied, «Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?»

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

Alberto the Italian says, «My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.»
Marcel the Frenchman says, «I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.»
Maurice Cohen says, «I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.»

The others say, «Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?»
Maurice shrugs. «I wiped my hands on the drapes.»

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.

Moishe then tells his mother, «Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.»

His mother agrees.

The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, «Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?»

She immediately replies, «The redhead in the middle.»

«That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?»

«I don't like her.»

[борода68]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Эх если бы эти анехдоты ещё и по русски были написаны, то в двойне смешнее было бы!
А так, ничего не понятно!

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: «Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!»

Полиция, ФБР и ЦРУ пытаются доказать, что каждый из них лучше всех раскрывает преступления. Президент решает устроить им испытание.
Он выпускает кролика в лес, а каждая из трех служб должна поймать его.

ЦРУ берется за дело - они вербуют животных-информаторов по всему лесу. Допрашивают все растения и каждый камешек. И спустя три месяца интенсивного розыска, делают вывод - кроликов не существует!

ФБР берется за поиски. После двух недель которые ни к чему не привели, они сжигают лес и всех кто там был, включая кролика. И даже ни перед кем не извиняются.

Полиция берется за дело. Они заходят в лес и спустя два часа выходят с сильно побитым медведем.
Медведь кричит - Хорошо! Хорошо! Я кролик! Я кролик!

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Эх если бы эти анехдоты ещё и по русски были написаны, то в двойне смешнее было бы!
А так, ничего не понятно!

Э-э это форум об иммиграции в США?

[seven]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Э-э это форум об иммиграции в США?

а он не иммигрирует
он так марки тут собирает

[борода68]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

а он не иммигрирует
он так марки тут собирает

Уже нигто, ничего не собигает.

[Alex Smith]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Уже нигто, ничего не собигает.

Так чего, надо переводить? Я могу, только своими словами, т.к. иногда треть слов я не понимаю и только догадываюсь о их смысле

[борода68]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Так чего, надо переводить? Я могу,.

Если, это конешьно, вас не затруднит.


Про зайца, очень понравилось!!!

[seven]

Re: Анекдот на злобу дня.

Уже нигто, ничего не собигает.

мы гусские всегда что-нить собигаем!