Ultra-Condensed Books

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BOOK-A-MINUTE (Ultra-Condensed Books: SF&F, Classics and Bedtime)



Don't have time to read it all?

We at Book-A-Minute understand that your time is valuable. You want to

experience the wonder and excitement of the fine art of literature, but reading

actual books requires a significant time investment. We've got the solution for

you. Our Ultra-Condensed books are just the ticket.



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JURASSIC PARK

By Michael Crichton

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker



John Hammond

I made some dinosaurs. Come see.



All

Wow! That's amazing!



Dennis Nedry

I'm mean and stupid. Hoo ha ha.



(The dinosaurs ESCAPE, and they eat all the BAD people. The GOOD people ESCAPE,

but it is CLOSE.)



Dr. Alan Grant

Dr. Ellie Sattler, those close calls made us fall in love. Let's kiss.



Dr. Ellie Sattler

Nice try, but you're thinking of our alter egos in that movie.





THE END



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THE GODS THEMSELVES

By Isaac Asimov

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard





Humans

The electron pump provides free energy but is destroying our universe.



Aliens

The positron pump provides free energy but is destroying our universe.



(Some SCIENCE stuff happens, and it is CONFUSING.)



Denison

I'm glad that's over. Is it time for the gratuitous sex scene yet?



Selene

Yes.





THE END



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DUNE

By Frank Herbert

Ultra-Condensed by Christina Carlson



Frank Herbert

I'm lots smarter than you are. I challenge you to understand even one of my

paragraphs!



Reader

Gee, Frank Herbert is smart. I can't even find the plot.





THE END



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DUNE MESSIAH

By Frank Herbert

Ultra-Condensed by Daniel Saults





Everyone

We're absurdly over-intelligent with identical personalities.



(The Conspirators do some mysterious conspiracy stuff.)



Muad'Dib

Now that I have two children which need my support and care, I'll wander off

into the desert and die for no particular reason.



Everyone

Wahh.





THE END



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CHILDREN OF DUNE

By Frank Herbert

Ultra-Condensed by Jaime Green





(People do stuff that is OUT OF CHARACTER. People do stuff that makes NO SENSE.

Cool arabic-type words and names are said, making Frank Herbert look SMART and

COOL.)



THE END



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The Collected Work of DEAN KOONTZ

Ultra-Condensed by Stephen Keller





Badguy

I'm crazy, so I will do something evil and scary.



Male Lead

I'll use my CIA/NSA/Navy Seals/Green Beret/Marine/Army Ranger/BoyScout training

to stop him.



(He doesn't. Everybody gets CHASED around Southern California. Somebody

steals a CAR and changes its LICENSE PLATE. The villain seems to be

SUPERNATURAL, but he's just using SCIENCE to seem SCARY, just like in SCOOBY

DOO. Male Lead STOPS him.)



Female Lead

I love you.



Male Lead

I'm rich. Let's live happily ever after.





THE END



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The Collected Work of PIERS ANTHONY

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





Piers Anthony

I'm Piers Anthony. I can write nonsense and sell it.





THE END



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THE HOBBIT

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker



Bilbo Baggins

Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.



Balin

We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.



Dwalin

I'm the happy one.



Fili

I'm the young one.



Kili

I'm the other young one.



Dori

I'm the funny one.



Nori

I'm the joyous one.



Ori

I'm the cute one.



Oin

I'm the jolly one.



Gloin

I'm the silly one.



Bifur

I'm the one with the funniest name.



Bofur

I'm the one with the looniest name.



Bombur

I'm the fat one.



Thorin

I'm the one with a distinct personality.



Gandalf

Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.



(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get

EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost

get EATEN.)



Bilbo Baggins

What have I got in my pocket?



Gollum

I don't know.



(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get

EATEN.)



Smaug

I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.



(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the

dragon, and it makes a MESS.)



Bilbo Baggins

I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.





THE END



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THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard





Gandalf

Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it.

In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.



Bilbo Baggins

It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!!

MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!



(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by

black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)



Elrond

Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and

evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.



(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the

mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having

triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy

comes back as a DOG.)



Boromir

Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.



Frodo

No.



Boromir

What have I done? (dies)





THE END



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THE TWO TOWERS

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard





(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff

happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)





THE END



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THE RETURN OF THE KING

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard



Aragorn

We must travel the Paths of the Dead.



Eowyn

You'll die.



(They don't.)



Gandalf

The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.



(They don't.)



Gandalf

We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.



(They aren't.)



Gollum

Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)



Frodo

The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.



Sam

Buck up, Master Frodo.



(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save

EVERYBODY.)



THE END



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THE ODYSSEY

By Homer

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker



Odysseus

I rule.



Poseidon

For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.



(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family

is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off

course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the

giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE.

Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of

Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then

they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF

in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS,

and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men

let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to

talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship

between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS,

and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE.

Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the

nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and

she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is

determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)



Odysseus

Poseidon, I am sorry.



Poseidon

Ok, you can go home now.



(Odysseus goes home.)





THE END



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ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

By Ken Kesey

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





Nurse Ratched

I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.



Randall P. McMurphy

But freedom and happiness are good things.



Nurse Ratched

Lobotomy time for you, buster.



(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)





THE END



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THE CATCHER IN THE RYE

By J. D. Salinger

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard



Holden Caulfield

Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society

sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk.





THE END



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LORD OF THE FLIES

By William Golding

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard





(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)



Ralph

We need a fire.



(They make a fire. It goes out.)



Ralph

We need a fire.



(They make a fire. It goes out.)



Ralph

We need a fire.



Jack

Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.



Other Boys

Yeah!



(They do.)





THE END



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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS

By Jonathan Swift

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





(Gulliver visits some places.)



A Lilliputian

We're small.



A Brobdingnagian

We're big.



A Horse

We can talk.



(Gulliver goes home.)



Gulliver

Humanity sucks. I HATE people.





THE END



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ANNA KARENINA

By Leo Tolstoy

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





Anna Karenina

I am having an affair with Count Vronsky.



Alexey Karenin

I can only forgive you if you die afterward.



Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky

Then the cruel double standard of upper class Russian society shall have to

tear us apart.



(It does.)





THE END





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OTHELLO

By William Shakespeare

Ultra-Condensed by Ric F. Barker



Iago

Your wife's cheating on you.



Othello

She is? (kills wife) Damn, she wasn't really.





THE END



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ETHAN FROME

By Edith Wharton

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker



Narrator

I met a man named Ethan Frome. His life sucked.





THE END