смешно и резонно

[stachybotrys]

предлагаю дополнить своими и чужими наблюдениями- афоризмами, принципами всем, у кого они есть! на русском и английском.

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy . .

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What
the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[stachybotrys]

HOW TO HOW TO HANDLE A RUDE CUSTOMER

For all who work with rude customers, what a shame we can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to
be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please', she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[Lisichka77]

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory

[Lisichka77]

2. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
3. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
4. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
5. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
6. Are You Andy or Barney?
7. Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
10. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
11. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
12. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
13. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
14. What? You need a license to drive?
15. Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
16. Is your power a penis substitute?
17. Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
18. Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
19. Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
20. Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
21. A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.
22. I pay your salary!
23. Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
24. Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
25. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
26. Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.
27. My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.
28. Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
29. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
30. You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
31. In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
32. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
33. Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
34. Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.
35. Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.
36. Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
37. Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
38. There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
39. What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.
40. That uniform makes your ass look really big.
41. You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
42. I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
43. So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

[stachybotrys]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7.My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'You don't have to like it, You just have to do it'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do '

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[stachybotrys]

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spa cing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horse s. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's h ad to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to
run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass
wasn't important? Ancient h orse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[Ulitka]

Originally Posted by stachybotrys

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating. Ancient h orse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

по поводу лошадок этих у нас уже встречалсь на русском. Любопытно, на каком языке был оригинал?

[stachybotrys]

Originally Posted by Ulitka

по поводу лошадок этих у нас уже встречалсь на русском. Любопытно, на каком языке был оригинал?

английский более вероятен, как по мне...потому что к англии и к сша все привязки...потом- он более полный, в виде эссе, и русский вариант похож на перевод или заметку (по-моему). впрочем, кто его знает?
но такая вот преемственность, интересная штука...

[stachybotrys]

Всех женщин сразу в жены нам не взять.
Эх, знать бы признак, чтобы выбирать!
Худышка будет холодна в постели.
Толстушка в дверь проходит еле-еле.
Веселая окажется гулящей,
А с грустной секс раз в месяц, и не чаще.
С холодной заработаешь ангину.
С горячей - расцарапанную спину.
Быть рядом с длинноногой не с руки,
Когда она оденет каблуки.
Та, что умна - обманет без труда.
Жить с глупой - это тоже ерунда.
Красивая легко уйдет к другому.
А страшная - позор родному дому.
Вот и приходится нам, как тут ни крути,
Смотреть лишь на размер ее груди

[stachybotrys]

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

[stachybotrys]

Джентльмен должен знать, что нравится его даме, чтобы не оказаться с ней там, где это можно купить.
***
В цирке:
- А сейчас!.. Номер для настоящих мужчин!!! Записывайте: 8-067-11-98-54. Настя.
***
Ребенок никак не хочет заснуть. Жена говорит мужу:
- Может, мне ему что-нибудь спеть?
- Попробуй с ним сначала по-хорошему…
***
- А я с собой в поход всегда фотографию тещи беру...
- Зачем?
- Ну как же?! Гром, молнии, ливень, холод, грязища, комары кусают, а я
гляжу на карточку и думаю: господи, хорошо-то как!
***
От любви до ненависти один шаг, но сделать его надо гордо, во фраке, под марш Мендельсона.
***
Гаишники совсем оборзели. Вчера подходят ко мне и спрашивают:
- А почему без машины?
***
Надпись на зеркале: «Даже не надейся! Это - ты!»
***
Здоровье - это когда все болит, но еще есть силы, чтобы не идти к врачу…
***
В жизни у тебя есть два пути: оставаться холостяком и чувствовать себя несчастным или жениться и не хотеть больше жить.
***
- Внучок, как зовут того немца, от которого я так схожу с ума?
- Альцгеймер, бабушка, Альцгеймер.
***
Пробежки по утрам, употребление безопасных продуктов питания и полный отказ от вредных привычек могут существенно продлить ваше жалкое существование…
***
Парень берет девушку на руки и несет в кровать.
- Дорогой, а может, лучше после свадьбы?
- Ты что, а вдруг муж ревнивый попадется!
***
Мама наставляет дочку, выходящую замуж:
- Доченька, никогда не спорь с мужем! Сразу закатывай истерику!
***
Наша промышленность стала выпускать обои с уже готовым клеящим слоем, для активизации которого достаточно провести языком по их поверхности.
***
Когда моя грудь в зеркале начала меня возбуждать, я решил: все,
хватит, пора садиться на диету..
***
Первым хакером признан старик, закачавший через сеть особняк,
дворянский титул и новое корыто.
***
- С моей точки зрения, в предложении «Хотелось бы понять женщину»
слово «понять» - лишнее.
***
Находясь в трезвом уме и твердой памяти, мы решили выпить и все забыть.
***
В Испании во время традиционного забега быков случился казус - трое россиян с криками «За ВДВ!» развернули стадо обратно.
***
Задачки:
У Ивана Грозного было 2 яблока, а у его сына 10. Вопрос: «Неужели из-за яблок?»

У Маши было 2 яблока, а у Лены 2 дыни. Вопрос: «Кто из девочек привлекательнее?»

У Коли было 10 яблок. У Толи - 7 яблок, а у Васи - соль в одном месте. Вопрос: «Кто бежал из чужого сада последним?»

У Наполеона было 2 яблока, а у Кутузова одно. Вопрос: «О каких яблоках

идет речь?»
* * *
- Когда ко мне пришла настоящая любовь, мне очень повезло! Жены не было дома.
***
Джентльмен никогда не предложит даме дешевый коньяк, если она и так согласна.
***
- Жил-был на свете мужик. Купил он себе самый навороченный комп: с мощнейшим процессором, видюхой, огромным монитором и колонками. Купил себе лицензионных программ...
- Папа, а как это «лицензионных программ»?
- Спи, сынок, я ж говорю: это сказка!
***
- А я вот женился недавно. На лягушке. Так вот, ударилась она оземь и обернулась прекрасной царевной.
- Блондинка?
- Ага.
- Красивая?
- Ага.
- Умная?
- Да как сказать. Слишком сильно ударилась.
***
Она была до того правильной, до того разумной, до того
высоконравственной, что очень хотелось влить в нее бутылку коньяка и посмотреть, что получится

[KOHTOPA]

Originally Posted by stachybotrys

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Когда моя грудь в зеркале начала меня возбуждать, я решил: все,
хватит, пора садиться на диету..
***

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